Rough Day

Given that my first pregnancy was ectopic and my second was a twin pregnancy where one of the twins miscarried, I have been very cautious. After my positive pregnancy test I called my doctor and asked for beta hcgs which is a quantitative pregnancy test. The

My first test was Friday afternoon and was 356 which was lower than what they would expect given the date of my last period. I wasn’t that concerned because the date was an approximation and whenever I ovulated on Clomid it was really late, like CD22-CD24. So I could easily be a week or more off from “normal.”

What is concerning is that my follow up beta from Sunday morning was only 407. A healthy pregnancy typically doubles every 48-72 hours but mine only raised 14%. I have a repeat to take either Thursday or Friday but it’s not looking like a viable pregnancy.

My miracle pregnancy is no miracle after all. More heartbreak. You’d think I’d get used to it by now but no. It’s devestating every time. Now I’m just praying for a normal miscarriage and not another ectopic. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my other Fallopian tube.

Advertisements

In the immortal words of Britney Spears…

britney

Pretty much since the minute Theodore stepped into his daycare at 12 weeks, our house has been in a constant state of sickness.  After several days of taking cold medicine and waiting for AF to show up I started thinking back.  Hasn’t it been awhile since I’ve had my period?

Husband thinks no.  It wasn’t that long ago.  So a few more days go by and I start to feel some back pain which I normally do the day before AF shows up.  But the next day, nothing happens. Continue reading

Life May Never Be The Same

One night when I was about seven months pregnant I was driving home from work listening to some sad country song about cancer and started contemplating mortality.  By the time I got home I was bawling.  I started thinking about what if my grandpa, who means the world to me, doesn’t get to meet my baby?

His health has been declining for years.  He has a tumor on his spine and it has really limited his mobility and quality of life.  I just had the worst feeling that I wouldn’t have all too much longer with him.  Luckily he has gotten to spend some time with Theodore.  Not nearly as much as I’d like since we live two hours away but it was a huge relief that they got to meet and that I have pictures of them together.

Theodore might not remember him when he gets older but I know I will talk about him and to have pictures of them together is something I will cherish forever.  Grandpa’s health has never really got better but it hadn’t really been getting worse either so I hadn’t thought about it much these last few months.

Then this Monday afternoon I got a text from my mom during the middle of the day saying “Call me when you get a chance.”  Seemingly innocent enough but I knew something was wrong.  My mom is a workaholic so the chances of her texting me in the middle of the day just so talk are slim to none.

My grandpa, one of my very favorite people in the world, was taken to the hospital Sunday.  After spending most of the day in the hospital with dangerously low blood pressure they decided exploratory surgery would be necessary if he had any chance of making it.  As it turned out part of his colon had died which made him incredibly sick.  They removed the dead portion and gave him a colostomy.  But because his blood pressure was so low his kidneys stopped functioning, requiring him to have daily dialysis.  He may also have liver and brain damage.

So the three of us went to visit him in the hospital on Tuesday but he was on a ventilator and heavily sedated.  I did get to say hi to him really quickly when they lightened the sedation for a small period of time but I don’t know if he really understood me or even if he knew who was speaking to him.

The chances of him ever coming home now seem very small.  Hopefully he will make it out of the hospital and into an assisted living facility but I don’t see him ever coming home to my grandma.  Thinking about life without my grandpa is a horrible thing but I can’t image being my grandma, possibly facing the loss of her love of 60 years.  At the very least their lives will be drastically different from here on out.  I love them both so much and my world would be so different without them.

Is this the 90’s?


I saw this meme the other day and thought it was funny because it seemed as though everyone was talking about Pokemon Go and I was super out of the loop. After all I have a (almost) 6 month old baby and a full-time job. I’m busy!  Some days I’m lucky if I have time to shower.

I never got into the cards when I was a kid, I think I thought them too boyish at the time so I really didn’t know anything about what the game entailed but my husband came home Friday with Pokemon Go downloaded which got me curious… Continue reading

Update on my Sick Baby

The Urgent Care doctor was right yesterday, it did get worse before it got better.

I ended up calling the nurse line again in the evening because Theodore wasn’t eating much, just a couple ounces after we got back from the doctor’s office and he threw up twice more and had diarrhea.  Poor sweet sick baby!  All in all I had 3 wardrobe changes yesterday and Theodore had 6 (including the two in the middle of the night).

Luckily the nurse was able to give me some good guidance, which included not feeding him any milk for 8 hours after the last time he vomits.  Apparently, baby’s little bodies can’t break down the protein in milk so Pedialyte helps because there is no protein but they stay hydrated.  I wish I would have thought to have some Pedialyte on hand in case he ever got sick but with him being so little I didn’t think he could have it yet.  So I had to drag my projectile vomiting 5 month old out to the store to get it.

IMG_0930

Theodore being such a good boy waiting in his high chair for more sips of Pedialyte.

Continue reading

Not a Great Start to the Weekend…

Today I had kind of a scary morning.  Theodore woke up at 2am so I made him a bottle and went into his room.  He was doing really well sleeping through the night for several months but between having a lighter sleep and transitioning out of the swaddle he’s been waking up several times a week.  I go to pick him up and notice that his sleep sack is wet, not in itself strange since he often spits up.  But his sleeper under it is soaked, as is his sheet and mattress protector.

I give him some milk and get him changed while my husband gets his bed changed and we all go back to bed.  He drank a bunch of milk last night after he ate 3 ounces of sweet potatoes so maybe he just had an upset stomach.  A half an hour later he wakes up crying again.  I go in and he threw up again!  So we get him and his bed  changed again and I check his frontside for signs of an allergic reaction because it was the first time he had sweet potatoes.  I don’t see anything and he seems very tired but in a good mood so we put him back to bed.

When he started stirring this morning I went in to feed him like I normally do and he’s eats normally so I go on to getting him dressed for the day and I notice a terrible rash on his back.  Of course my husband is away this weekend with his friends and I have to decide on my own what to do.  I called to speak to a nurse and we agreed it was a good idea to bring him into Urgent Care.

The doctor said it was very unlikely that the sweet potatoes caused the vomiting or rash but to hold off on giving him anymore for a couple of weeks.  She’s inclined to believe this is the start to a viral illness, as he also had a low grade fever.  He’s been sleepy most of the day and not eating nearly as much as he normally would (and unfortunately he threw up again this afternoon) but all in all he was still in a pretty good mood.  I hope that carries through the weekend as it’s just me taking care of him all weekend.  It’s already awful to feel helpless when you’re baby is sick and there is nothing you can do to make him feel better but it could be a lot worse if he’s fussy and inconsolable all weekend.  The doctor warned me though that it’s likely to get worse before it gets better.  Poor Theodore!

Theodore – Month 5

IMG_0878

I’m happy to say Theodore is thriving!  I, on the other hand, have been sick as a dog which is why my 5 month update is almost 2 weeks late.  I’m operating under the presumption of better late than never.

Today when I was dropping Theodore off at daycare I was watching his primary teacher hold him and I thought “OMG, he’s getting tall!”  I realized he was about as big, although not nearly as coordinated or advanced, as the twins in his group so I asked how old they were thinking they were about 9 months…they were actually 13 months old!  I think our “little”boy is going to be tall!

IMG_0875

Theodore – 5 months (wearing a 6-9 sleeper already!)

It seems like every month babies learn so much when they are this young.  His hand-eye coordination is much better which makes playing with toys finally fun for him.  He’s getting good at following us with his eyes even if it means turning his head.  This morning I talked around the bed and he peeked over his shoulder to watch me.

We started him on solid foods a little early because he was getting really interested in our food and it seemed as though we were feeding him milk 24/7.  As my husband would say “his milk tank” always seemed empty no matter how much we fed him.  So far he’s had oatmeal, bananas, apples, and pears.

I’m so relieved Theodore has such a sunny disposition.  It’s been a little harder getting him down for bed now that we’ve stopped swaddling and he’s been waking up earlier which has been a challenge because we love our sleep but seriously this kid is happy and smiley about 90% of the time.  He’s so much fun to be around.  I tried to capture his laugh on video but he gets too mesmerized by the phone.

3 Things that Surprised Me When I Became a Mom


Some people know from their childhood or teenage years that they want to a mom someday.  I was not one of those people at all.  I was about 24 years old before I started to concede that yes, someday, I might want to have a baby.

By the time I met my now-husband at 26, I “knew” that I would “for sure” have a family someday.  But being that I wasn’t one of those born-to-be-a-mom women I was really surprised by a few things when I had Theodore.

  1. Everyone will tell you this but I feel like it’s impossible to really wrap your head around it until you are a parent.  The love you feel for your child is so weirdly unconditional.  I love him when he is happy and smiling and giggling.  I love him the same amount when it’s an hour past his bedtime and he won’t sleep and keeps crying – not because he’s soiled or hungry but because he simply wants attention.  If anyone else in your life acted the way a small child does you’d probably drop them like a bad habit, but when it’s your kid, you’re fairly ok with building a life around their whims.
  2. All the stuff they said would come naturally actually does.  You don’t sleep through baby cries and it doesn’t matter how tired you are somehow your body is able to propel itself out of your comfy bed every time your baby needs you.  I was even fighting a terrible infection and had a very large open wound after surgery so when I say I was exhausted, it was a whole new level of exhausted but I never slept through a cry.
  3. Both my husband and I love watching Theodore learn.  I never would have guessed that would be as exciting as it is.  For the past couple months he’s been running his hand over everything.  He likes to feel everything with both the top and bottom of his hand.  It’s like he’s cataloging all the new textures- the cotton of his burp cloth, the fleece of my blanket, the muslin of his swaddles, the textured chair fabric in his room.  You can see it on his face when he’s like “That’s new!”  He received an activity center during one of my baby showers and when we first put him in it at around 4 months he just sat there and stared and would cry to get out after a couple minutes. Now at a little over 5 months, he’s learned to use several of the toys and can entertain himself for quite awhile.  It’s stuff that I know,is interesting to no one but us but it totally makes our day.

The Great Purge Has Begun

This week I started going through my closet because it was packed full of clothes, at least 80% of which either don’t fit, haven’t been stylish for a long time, or are stained.  We had an issue with our washing machine awhile back and tons of our clothes ended up with stains.  Some of them eventually washed out after many washings but there were a few pieces I have held onto for years and hopefully threw into the washer on occasion only to be disappointed when they came out still stained.

I love being a mom but my life is different now.  I simply don’t have the time to stand in front of my closet for 20 minutes each morning looking through tons of clothes that just don’t work for me anymore.  My little boy is a pretty good sleeper but he also has a good internal alarm clock which usually gets him about about 20 minutes before I would otherwise wake him each day.  Since I’m now getting ready with a baby crying for my attention it’s time to do something about my mess of a closet!  I’ve already purged about half the items that need to go, the rest I will hopefully get to this weekend.

But now the hard part begins.  I have to rebuild my closet on a very limited budget now that baby boy is eating up all our discretionary income (and then some!).  I have tried rebuilding my wardrobe in the past but stores have such a terrible selection of plus sized clothing and I get super overwhelmed with choices online so I usually just give up after a few days of not being able to decided.

I did find three shirts this week which I am excited about (two of them are below).  I think I’m also going to try some leggings or jeggings for the first time.  Well the first time since I was about seven which is the last time leggings were cool!  Haha.

It’s felt nice doing something for myself for once.  I’m kind of sick of being “that mom” running around in sweat pants with greasy hair.  I wouldn’t trade Theodore for anything in the world but I’m definitely experiencing whole new levels of exhaustion.

First Foods


I was just sitting here thinking how different life is as a mom. I was always the person who saw baby photos on Facebook and kept on scrolling, I might have even hid a few people that got really out of control.

Now I’m the proud mom. I try not to share every moment of life with baby but getting to feed Theodore his first “solid” food seemed exciting enough to share with the world.

Last night we gave Theodore oatmeal for the first time. He was unimpressed with the oatmeal but decided spoons are a fun toy. Our second attempt was this afternoon. He liked the oatmeal but he’s still figuring out the swallowing piece. He definitely ended up with more on him than in him!  Especially since in his eagerness to get more into his mouth as quickly as possible he knocked the little bowl out of my hand.

This photo was taken about two minutes before he drenched his pants.  I learned my lesson though and the next batch I put his tray on the high chair, which managed to catch most of what didn’t end up in his mouth or on his face.