Life Lately

A week after my miscarriage I decided to write about the experience.  At the time I felt like I needed to put all my thoughts and feelings out there to fully process it all.  And then my dog stepped on the keyboard and erased half of it.

So it happened.  It’s over.  It makes me extra terrified to ever get pregnant again and I’m still too emotionally exhausted to rewrite it.

Meanwhile the weather here has finally decided to act like it’s fall so I’m enjoying doing fall stuff with my hubs and baby.  Kiddo enjoyed the apple orchard two weeks ago, football with daddy last weekend, a family photo shoot tomorrow and hopefully soon we’ll go pick out our pumpkins.

What a Rollercoaster Ride!

Between last Thursday and this Monday my beta hcg results only went up one point. As I geared up for a miscarriage, a nurse from my clinic called and asked me to come in for an ultrasound on Tuesday. They knew there was a good chance of not being able to see anything because the general rule is the ultrasound won’t detect a pregnancy with a hcg of less than 1500-2000 and I was just over 500. 

So Tuesday I show up expecting to not see anything at all or possibily an empty sac. But no. There was a little baby measuring 6 weeks 1 day and a teeny tiny flicker. Much to my surprise there is a baby, it is ALIVE and it had a very strong heartbeat at 127bpm. 

I still have a lot of risk factors for miscarriage: the low hormone levels are concerning, the baby had a very tiny sac, and the sac was low in the uterus. But for the time being I was told to precede like its a viable pregnancy and time will tell. 

I’ll have a repeat ultrasound in a week and if the baby is still looking good then they’ll consider the abnormally rising hormones a fluke. 

Hurry Up And Wait

Right now I’m pretty much just in this holding pattern.  My HCG levels continue to go up but just barely.  It’s very evident this is not a viable pregnancy and they keep saying the miscarriage will happen eventually but I want eventually to be now.

With my first pregnancy I was offered a D&C when it became obvious the pregnancy wasn’t viable.  As it turned out it was a very good choice to go that route since they didn’t realize the pregnancy was ectopic until they went in and didn’t find what they expected to in my uterus.

But with this miscarriage I’m just waiting.  Waiting for the terrible pain to signify another ectopic.  Waiting for my HCG levels to go down so the doctors will take some action.  Waiting for the awful weeks of bleeding to begin.

I’m trying to focus on the one tiny bit of silver lining in all this: that we weren’t planning this pregnancy.  We weren’t trying.  No medications, no timing sex, no ovulation predictor tests etc.  So maybe someday, if I’m crazy enough to want to try this again, we hopefully won’t have to worry about my uterus being broken anymore.

Rough Day

Given that my first pregnancy was ectopic and my second was a twin pregnancy where one of the twins miscarried, I have been very cautious. After my positive pregnancy test I called my doctor and asked for beta hcgs which is a quantitative pregnancy test. The

My first test was Friday afternoon and was 356 which was lower than what they would expect given the date of my last period. I wasn’t that concerned because the date was an approximation and whenever I ovulated on Clomid it was really late, like CD22-CD24. So I could easily be a week or more off from “normal.”

What is concerning is that my follow up beta from Sunday morning was only 407. A healthy pregnancy typically doubles every 48-72 hours but mine only raised 14%. I have a repeat to take either Thursday or Friday but it’s not looking like a viable pregnancy.

My miracle pregnancy is no miracle after all. More heartbreak. You’d think I’d get used to it by now but no. It’s devestating every time. Now I’m just praying for a normal miscarriage and not another ectopic. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my other Fallopian tube.

In the immortal words of Britney Spears…

britney

Pretty much since the minute Theodore stepped into his daycare at 12 weeks, our house has been in a constant state of sickness.  After several days of taking cold medicine and waiting for AF to show up I started thinking back.  Hasn’t it been awhile since I’ve had my period?

Husband thinks no.  It wasn’t that long ago.  So a few more days go by and I start to feel some back pain which I normally do the day before AF shows up.  But the next day, nothing happens. Continue reading

Crowdfunding Babies?!

The day before Mother’s Day a Facebook friend posted a picture of her and her husband out for dinner with another couple with the hashtags #infertilitysucks and #ttccommunity.  So many feelings rushed through my head when I saw this photo.  I was happy that they were making the best of a bad situation.  I felt heartbroken that they’ve been trying so hard for a baby and have nothing to show for it.  I was curious about how long they’ve been trying and what medications/procedures/tests/doctors have been evolved in the equation.

I actually started to send her a Facebook message a couple times.  I kept deleting it and starting over, and eventually I just deleted it and signed out.  What was I going to say?  Sorry this sucks so much, I’ve been there too?  I really didn’t know if there was anything I could do or say to make anything better for her.  After all, there is nothing worse that being a mom without a child on Mother’s Day. Continue reading

I Hate You Broken Ovaries

Well it’s CD20 of a 30 day cycle and all the OPKs have been negative.  I think it’s safe to say my little experiment failed.

I keep hearing about how women suddenly become fertile after having a baby and apparently I am not one of the lucky few.  I dug out my OPKs from before my pregnancy and still had one month’s worth of the expensive Clearblue Easy ones with the smiley face.  They expire at the end of the month so I thought I  might as well use them up and see if I’m ovulating now.  I’m not apparently.

I kind of forgot how defeated I used to feel when I saw the little empty circle, day after day, cycle after cycle.  I guess the plus side is we don’t have to waste time or money on birth control but that’s a pretty small victory when you’d love to have a child.  We were advised to wait at least 6 months before trying for another baby so we are back to preventing for the time being.

When it’s time, I still have one month of Clomid left from last time around that I could a try if we decide we’re crazy enough to battle infertility again.  But not only did Clomid give me terrible mood swings and lots of physical pain around the time of ovulation, I developed huge cysts.  I was really, really hoping to avoid more Clomid.  Ugh, why do these doctors and nurses need to give me false hope?