Rogue

Today I went rogue.

I dipped into my expensive digital pregnancy tests…which in and of itself is sort of ridiculous. 

I’m not the person who buys a fancy pregnancy test because there is a good shot they’ll be pregnant in the first month or two. I’m the woman who needs the Amazon cheapies because who freaking knows how long it will take this time around. 

But today at 5dpo I broke out the fancy pregnancy tests because my boobs have legit been KILLING me all week and I was dying of curisity. Obviously 5dpo is extremely early, I’d say 10dpo is a fairly normal jumping off point for testing, so the test came back “not pregnant.”

I wasn’t surprised but I was curious. I literally took a butter knife and pried open the test to see if I could see a faint line.  Infertility has gotten to me. I think it’s finally drove me completely nuts. 

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Working on Baby #2

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So whether I get pregnant or not this month (or ever!) remains to be seen but it appears the Clomid is working.  I finally got my positive OPK on CD19, I think it may have actually began on the evening of CD18 because I had the same very full and tender feeling in my lower abdomen.  Fertility Friend (FF) is the app I use to track everything- my cycle, opks, intercourse, medications, and pregnancy test results.  According to FF I ovulated on the 20th.  I know technically the only way to confirm ovulation, besides a blood test, is temping but I had a lot of ovulation pain and I felt the twinges.

Also I’m a little worried I might have hyper-stimulated my ovaries a bit.  I was in so much pain from the evening of the 19th, well into the evening on 20th.  Before I had my first child I dreamed of having twins, my husband really wanted twins as well.  But now that I have a toddler that constantly keeps us on our toes I’m very worried about whether we would be able to handle twins, if that were to happen.  I know Clomid twins only happen in about 10% of Clomid pregnancies so the odds are against it but since I might have overstimulated and my son was originally a Clomid twin I’m a little concerned.

I’m am only 1dpo and am already annoying myself with possible pregnancy symptoms.  Seriously you’d swear this was my first month TTC and not like the 25th lol.  I actually moved my arm this morning and my nipple brushed my tank top and I was like “Holy crap that’s sore!  Maybe I’m pregnant!”  I’m guessing it’s more likely just a side effect from actually ovulating this month.  As I don’t normally ovulate on my own this is something different for me.  I’m making myself wait until at least 9dpo to test.  Really if I’m able to muster up some self control 10dpo is better.

Oh, who and I kidding?  I’ve been checking out cheapie pregnancy tests on Amazon all morning so I don’t have to feel bad being ridiculous and testing everyday.  Being that I only have some expensive tests in the house right now I’ll probably be able to keep it under control because I don’t want to waste the money!

Hello from the Dirty South

My husband was offered an exciting new job opportunity in the Raleigh-Durham, NC area last month. So in what felt like about a 3 second timespan we put our house on the market, resigned from our previous jobs, said our goodbyes and moved 1,000 miles. 

So now I’m suddenly a stay-at-home-mom in a small town just north of Durham. My first few weeks as a SAHM has been a challenge. Theodore got way off schedule in the crazy weeks leading up to the move and a change from central to eastern time zone did not help us.  But now that we’re mostly back on schedule life is normalizing. 

We decided since I’m not working now it seems as good of time as any to start trying for a second baby. When I was trying to get pregnant with my first child, the last time I was prescribed Clomid they gave me three months of Clomid and I got pregnant on the second month so this month I took my last round. I don’t really feel anything happening yet and I can’t remember how long it took to feel something last time so I’m getting nervous it’s not going to work.  I don’t know if I can handle more going back and forth with OBGYNs for the medication I need to get pregnant. 

I have ovulated super late every month on Clomid, like between CD21 & CD23 but I’m going to start OPKs on Saturday which will be CD12. Please send good vibes. I need this time to be easy, or at least easier. I don’t think I can handle the emotional toll TTC for a year and a half took on my husband and I last time. 

Life Lately

A week after my miscarriage I decided to write about the experience.  At the time I felt like I needed to put all my thoughts and feelings out there to fully process it all.  And then my dog stepped on the keyboard and erased half of it.

So it happened.  It’s over.  It makes me extra terrified to ever get pregnant again and I’m still too emotionally exhausted to rewrite it.

Meanwhile the weather here has finally decided to act like it’s fall so I’m enjoying doing fall stuff with my hubs and baby.  Kiddo enjoyed the apple orchard two weeks ago, football with daddy last weekend, a family photo shoot tomorrow and hopefully soon we’ll go pick out our pumpkins.

What a Rollercoaster Ride!

Between last Thursday and this Monday my beta hcg results only went up one point. As I geared up for a miscarriage, a nurse from my clinic called and asked me to come in for an ultrasound on Tuesday. They knew there was a good chance of not being able to see anything because the general rule is the ultrasound won’t detect a pregnancy with a hcg of less than 1500-2000 and I was just over 500. 

So Tuesday I show up expecting to not see anything at all or possibily an empty sac. But no. There was a little baby measuring 6 weeks 1 day and a teeny tiny flicker. Much to my surprise there is a baby, it is ALIVE and it had a very strong heartbeat at 127bpm. 

I still have a lot of risk factors for miscarriage: the low hormone levels are concerning, the baby had a very tiny sac, and the sac was low in the uterus. But for the time being I was told to precede like its a viable pregnancy and time will tell. 

I’ll have a repeat ultrasound in a week and if the baby is still looking good then they’ll consider the abnormally rising hormones a fluke. 

Hurry Up And Wait

Right now I’m pretty much just in this holding pattern.  My HCG levels continue to go up but just barely.  It’s very evident this is not a viable pregnancy and they keep saying the miscarriage will happen eventually but I want eventually to be now.

With my first pregnancy I was offered a D&C when it became obvious the pregnancy wasn’t viable.  As it turned out it was a very good choice to go that route since they didn’t realize the pregnancy was ectopic until they went in and didn’t find what they expected to in my uterus.

But with this miscarriage I’m just waiting.  Waiting for the terrible pain to signify another ectopic.  Waiting for my HCG levels to go down so the doctors will take some action.  Waiting for the awful weeks of bleeding to begin.

I’m trying to focus on the one tiny bit of silver lining in all this: that we weren’t planning this pregnancy.  We weren’t trying.  No medications, no timing sex, no ovulation predictor tests etc.  So maybe someday, if I’m crazy enough to want to try this again, we hopefully won’t have to worry about my uterus being broken anymore.

Rough Day

Given that my first pregnancy was ectopic and my second was a twin pregnancy where one of the twins miscarried, I have been very cautious. After my positive pregnancy test I called my doctor and asked for beta hcgs which is a quantitative pregnancy test. The

My first test was Friday afternoon and was 356 which was lower than what they would expect given the date of my last period. I wasn’t that concerned because the date was an approximation and whenever I ovulated on Clomid it was really late, like CD22-CD24. So I could easily be a week or more off from “normal.”

What is concerning is that my follow up beta from Sunday morning was only 407. A healthy pregnancy typically doubles every 48-72 hours but mine only raised 14%. I have a repeat to take either Thursday or Friday but it’s not looking like a viable pregnancy.

My miracle pregnancy is no miracle after all. More heartbreak. You’d think I’d get used to it by now but no. It’s devestating every time. Now I’m just praying for a normal miscarriage and not another ectopic. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my other Fallopian tube.

In the immortal words of Britney Spears…

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Pretty much since the minute Theodore stepped into his daycare at 12 weeks, our house has been in a constant state of sickness.  After several days of taking cold medicine and waiting for AF to show up I started thinking back.  Hasn’t it been awhile since I’ve had my period?

Husband thinks no.  It wasn’t that long ago.  So a few more days go by and I start to feel some back pain which I normally do the day before AF shows up.  But the next day, nothing happens. Continue reading

Crowdfunding Babies?!

The day before Mother’s Day a Facebook friend posted a picture of her and her husband out for dinner with another couple with the hashtags #infertilitysucks and #ttccommunity.  So many feelings rushed through my head when I saw this photo.  I was happy that they were making the best of a bad situation.  I felt heartbroken that they’ve been trying so hard for a baby and have nothing to show for it.  I was curious about how long they’ve been trying and what medications/procedures/tests/doctors have been evolved in the equation.

I actually started to send her a Facebook message a couple times.  I kept deleting it and starting over, and eventually I just deleted it and signed out.  What was I going to say?  Sorry this sucks so much, I’ve been there too?  I really didn’t know if there was anything I could do or say to make anything better for her.  After all, there is nothing worse that being a mom without a child on Mother’s Day. Continue reading