Rogue

Today I went rogue.

I dipped into my expensive digital pregnancy tests…which in and of itself is sort of ridiculous. 

I’m not the person who buys a fancy pregnancy test because there is a good shot they’ll be pregnant in the first month or two. I’m the woman who needs the Amazon cheapies because who freaking knows how long it will take this time around. 

But today at 5dpo I broke out the fancy pregnancy tests because my boobs have legit been KILLING me all week and I was dying of curisity. Obviously 5dpo is extremely early, I’d say 10dpo is a fairly normal jumping off point for testing, so the test came back “not pregnant.”

I wasn’t surprised but I was curious. I literally took a butter knife and pried open the test to see if I could see a faint line.  Infertility has gotten to me. I think it’s finally drove me completely nuts. 

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Working on Baby #2

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So whether I get pregnant or not this month (or ever!) remains to be seen but it appears the Clomid is working.  I finally got my positive OPK on CD19, I think it may have actually began on the evening of CD18 because I had the same very full and tender feeling in my lower abdomen.  Fertility Friend (FF) is the app I use to track everything- my cycle, opks, intercourse, medications, and pregnancy test results.  According to FF I ovulated on the 20th.  I know technically the only way to confirm ovulation, besides a blood test, is temping but I had a lot of ovulation pain and I felt the twinges.

Also I’m a little worried I might have hyper-stimulated my ovaries a bit.  I was in so much pain from the evening of the 19th, well into the evening on 20th.  Before I had my first child I dreamed of having twins, my husband really wanted twins as well.  But now that I have a toddler that constantly keeps us on our toes I’m very worried about whether we would be able to handle twins, if that were to happen.  I know Clomid twins only happen in about 10% of Clomid pregnancies so the odds are against it but since I might have overstimulated and my son was originally a Clomid twin I’m a little concerned.

I’m am only 1dpo and am already annoying myself with possible pregnancy symptoms.  Seriously you’d swear this was my first month TTC and not like the 25th lol.  I actually moved my arm this morning and my nipple brushed my tank top and I was like “Holy crap that’s sore!  Maybe I’m pregnant!”  I’m guessing it’s more likely just a side effect from actually ovulating this month.  As I don’t normally ovulate on my own this is something different for me.  I’m making myself wait until at least 9dpo to test.  Really if I’m able to muster up some self control 10dpo is better.

Oh, who and I kidding?  I’ve been checking out cheapie pregnancy tests on Amazon all morning so I don’t have to feel bad being ridiculous and testing everyday.  Being that I only have some expensive tests in the house right now I’ll probably be able to keep it under control because I don’t want to waste the money!

Hello from the Dirty South

My husband was offered an exciting new job opportunity in the Raleigh-Durham, NC area last month. So in what felt like about a 3 second timespan we put our house on the market, resigned from our previous jobs, said our goodbyes and moved 1,000 miles. 

So now I’m suddenly a stay-at-home-mom in a small town just north of Durham. My first few weeks as a SAHM has been a challenge. Theodore got way off schedule in the crazy weeks leading up to the move and a change from central to eastern time zone did not help us.  But now that we’re mostly back on schedule life is normalizing. 

We decided since I’m not working now it seems as good of time as any to start trying for a second baby. When I was trying to get pregnant with my first child, the last time I was prescribed Clomid they gave me three months of Clomid and I got pregnant on the second month so this month I took my last round. I don’t really feel anything happening yet and I can’t remember how long it took to feel something last time so I’m getting nervous it’s not going to work.  I don’t know if I can handle more going back and forth with OBGYNs for the medication I need to get pregnant. 

I have ovulated super late every month on Clomid, like between CD21 & CD23 but I’m going to start OPKs on Saturday which will be CD12. Please send good vibes. I need this time to be easy, or at least easier. I don’t think I can handle the emotional toll TTC for a year and a half took on my husband and I last time. 

One Year Old

My little boy turned one last Friday.  It’s so incredible how much children change in the first year.  When we brought him home he was so tiny and helpless and now he’s a fully formed little human with his own thoughts and personality.

He’s so bubbly and happy and sweet and luckily for mom and dad he’s sleeping better through the night as of late.  We transitioned him from formula to whole milk this week and he seems to be doing great with it so we’re pretty happy not to have to buy any more formula.  We’ve been working on transitioning from the bottle to a sippy cup for the last couple of months.  He regularly drinks water out of the cup but takes his milk from a bottle still.  He loves to suck out water and then spit it back out on his shirt, which I hear is pretty common at this age.  Hopefully in the next month or so we can totally kick the bottle.

Last Saturday was his birthday party, it was a “Wild One” themed party based around the book “Where The Wild Things Are.”  His paternal grandma made him a little Funfetti smash cake and a double layer birthday cake.  His maternal grandma and great-grandma came up on his birthday and took us out to lunch and then helped me get ready for the party.  I was really happy that everyone was able to come except my husband’s grandma who wasn’t feeling well enough to come from Indiana.

We bought him a tricycle with a little name plate and a bell.  He loves to ring the bell while we push him around on it.  He also got tons of new toys from our family and a surprisingly good start to a savings account.  I hope we can teach him to be responsible with money and to save for the things he wants, and also help him save for college so that he doesn’t graduate in as much debt as we did.

Theodore has been walking around holding onto furniture and people for about 2 months now and in the last few weeks has been venturing out to taking a few free standing steps.  But right around the time of his birthday he truly became a full fledged walker.  If he can find something to pull himself up on he walks and it doing a really good job with balance.  I feel like a geek but it’s so exciting to see him walk from the front door to the kitchen.

We truly love his boy more than we ever thought possible.  Happy 1st Birthday Theodore!

 

 

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Life Lately

A week after my miscarriage I decided to write about the experience.  At the time I felt like I needed to put all my thoughts and feelings out there to fully process it all.  And then my dog stepped on the keyboard and erased half of it.

So it happened.  It’s over.  It makes me extra terrified to ever get pregnant again and I’m still too emotionally exhausted to rewrite it.

Meanwhile the weather here has finally decided to act like it’s fall so I’m enjoying doing fall stuff with my hubs and baby.  Kiddo enjoyed the apple orchard two weeks ago, football with daddy last weekend, a family photo shoot tomorrow and hopefully soon we’ll go pick out our pumpkins.

What a Rollercoaster Ride!

Between last Thursday and this Monday my beta hcg results only went up one point. As I geared up for a miscarriage, a nurse from my clinic called and asked me to come in for an ultrasound on Tuesday. They knew there was a good chance of not being able to see anything because the general rule is the ultrasound won’t detect a pregnancy with a hcg of less than 1500-2000 and I was just over 500. 

So Tuesday I show up expecting to not see anything at all or possibily an empty sac. But no. There was a little baby measuring 6 weeks 1 day and a teeny tiny flicker. Much to my surprise there is a baby, it is ALIVE and it had a very strong heartbeat at 127bpm. 

I still have a lot of risk factors for miscarriage: the low hormone levels are concerning, the baby had a very tiny sac, and the sac was low in the uterus. But for the time being I was told to precede like its a viable pregnancy and time will tell. 

I’ll have a repeat ultrasound in a week and if the baby is still looking good then they’ll consider the abnormally rising hormones a fluke. 

Hurry Up And Wait

Right now I’m pretty much just in this holding pattern.  My HCG levels continue to go up but just barely.  It’s very evident this is not a viable pregnancy and they keep saying the miscarriage will happen eventually but I want eventually to be now.

With my first pregnancy I was offered a D&C when it became obvious the pregnancy wasn’t viable.  As it turned out it was a very good choice to go that route since they didn’t realize the pregnancy was ectopic until they went in and didn’t find what they expected to in my uterus.

But with this miscarriage I’m just waiting.  Waiting for the terrible pain to signify another ectopic.  Waiting for my HCG levels to go down so the doctors will take some action.  Waiting for the awful weeks of bleeding to begin.

I’m trying to focus on the one tiny bit of silver lining in all this: that we weren’t planning this pregnancy.  We weren’t trying.  No medications, no timing sex, no ovulation predictor tests etc.  So maybe someday, if I’m crazy enough to want to try this again, we hopefully won’t have to worry about my uterus being broken anymore.

Rough Day

Given that my first pregnancy was ectopic and my second was a twin pregnancy where one of the twins miscarried, I have been very cautious. After my positive pregnancy test I called my doctor and asked for beta hcgs which is a quantitative pregnancy test. The

My first test was Friday afternoon and was 356 which was lower than what they would expect given the date of my last period. I wasn’t that concerned because the date was an approximation and whenever I ovulated on Clomid it was really late, like CD22-CD24. So I could easily be a week or more off from “normal.”

What is concerning is that my follow up beta from Sunday morning was only 407. A healthy pregnancy typically doubles every 48-72 hours but mine only raised 14%. I have a repeat to take either Thursday or Friday but it’s not looking like a viable pregnancy.

My miracle pregnancy is no miracle after all. More heartbreak. You’d think I’d get used to it by now but no. It’s devestating every time. Now I’m just praying for a normal miscarriage and not another ectopic. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my other Fallopian tube.

In the immortal words of Britney Spears…

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Pretty much since the minute Theodore stepped into his daycare at 12 weeks, our house has been in a constant state of sickness.  After several days of taking cold medicine and waiting for AF to show up I started thinking back.  Hasn’t it been awhile since I’ve had my period?

Husband thinks no.  It wasn’t that long ago.  So a few more days go by and I start to feel some back pain which I normally do the day before AF shows up.  But the next day, nothing happens. Continue reading