infertility

5 Months of Hope, 5 Months of Sadness

It’s so crazy how infertility fucks with your head.

Every month my husband and I keep having this conversation about how much we love our son, how fulfilled we are, how we really don’t need to have another child, how we wonder how we’d even function as a family of 4 with a crazy toddler.  Also every month we’re sad that we can’t give our child a sibling.

Growing up in a family of 4 children, it’s easy to take your siblings for granted…until you realize you may never be able to give your child what you had.

Sure, if we can’t have another child there are other things we’ll be able to provide our son.  A safe car when he can drive, a college education, possibly the ability to travel the world and maybe a down payment for a house someday.

But does that really make up for not having a childhood playmate?  A built in support system as you grow?  Having nieces and nephews someday?  We’ve already moved him 1,000 miles away from his cousins.  Can we also deprive him of a sibling?

The fact is, a lot of it is out of our control.  Yes, we can pursue medications, treatments, specialists, etc.  But we’ve been trying again for 5 months now, including one month of Clomid and this month I’ve tried soy isoflavones.  So far we have zip to show for it.  To say the least, it sucks not being able to choose the size of your own family.

There is a pain in my heart that infertility has caused.  There are empty places at my table because of infertility.  Our beautiful little family may never quite feel complete because of infertility.  But it hurts less than it used to.  There are thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of couples that aren’t as lucky as I am to have a beautiful little soul call me mom.  I try to focus on how truly blessed I am on the sad days.

My little boy is the greatest joy (and challenge!) of my life.  I will never stop feeling so lucky to be his mom even if infertility isn’t done causing me pain.

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