A couple weekends ago we went to a party to celebrate the 1st birthday of my first and only nephew. When he was born last year I was in a very bad place. We had lost our first pregnancy, a baby that would have been due 10 days before my nephew’s due date. I was sad, upset, angry, and probably mostly disappointed that even though I’m the oldest child and got married and tried to start a family first, my brother beat me to it. Not only that, but at that point, I really had no idea if we were ever going to have a baby.
I recently came across this blog post that I wrote last year but in the midst of my grieving, never published. Here were my thoughts following meeting my nephew for the first time:
At approximately 1:00 AM on Friday the 13th my nephew was born. This is the first time I am becoming an aunt and I was apprehensive about going to see my younger brother’s first child. I’ll be honest, I went mostly because it was expected of me and because I would never want to do anything to ruin one of the most important days in my brother’s life.
But I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt to watch my sister in law’s belly grow big while we struggle to start our family. It was frustrating that it only took them two months and it took us eight. It was heartbreaking that our first pregnancy ended abruptly only one week before they announced their healthy baby on the way.
It’s so hard not to let personal tragedies color your experiences. But I honestly don’t know how to describe the calmness that came over me when holding my perfect, adorable, healthy baby nephew. Gazing at that tiny face… I expected to feel sadness or longing but instead I felt happy, proud even. At that point in time the perfectness of that tiny little human was all I could ask for.
I’m pretty excited to get going actively trying to conceive again for the first time in six months but I’ve reconsidered how badly I need to have a child of my own. For the better part of the last few years I’ve wanting nothing more than motherhood. I still want that tiny creature that has much husband’s gorgeous blue eyes but if he or she never comes along I think it is something I will be able to deal with.
About a year and half ago, before we were even trying to get pregnant, my husband and I discussed how far we would be willing to go with fertility treatments. At that time, when I still thought it would be easy to get pregnant, I was so certain that I would not ever go so far as IVF or any injectable treatments. Not that I judge anyone else that would choose those things I just didn’t think a baby could out weigh the possible adverse health effects.
I never really finished my thought there…I feel like I was going to express my concern over the long-term health consequences associated with the use of Clomid which was responsible for both of my BFPs (which resulted in three little fertilized eggies but only one live birth).
As it turns out I was right to be concerned about Clomid, I develop massive cysts on my ovaries with Clomid, which resulted in one ovary being removed. But my kiddo is worth it. Worth all the pain from surgery. Worth all the mood swings and fights. Worth all the uncertainty in our life we dealt with during our battle with infertility. And he would have been worth the debt, had we needed to continue with other treatments.