I Hate You Broken Ovaries

Well it’s CD20 of a 30 day cycle and all the OPKs have been negative.  I think it’s safe to say my little experiment failed.

I keep hearing about how women suddenly become fertile after having a baby and apparently I am not one of the lucky few.  I dug out my OPKs from before my pregnancy and still had one month’s worth of the expensive Clearblue Easy ones with the smiley face.  They expire at the end of the month so I thought I  might as well use them up and see if I’m ovulating now.  I’m not apparently.

I kind of forgot how defeated I used to feel when I saw the little empty circle, day after day, cycle after cycle.  I guess the plus side is we don’t have to waste time or money on birth control but that’s a pretty small victory when you’d love to have a child.  We were advised to wait at least 6 months before trying for another baby so we are back to preventing for the time being.

When it’s time, I still have one month of Clomid left from last time around that I could a try if we decide we’re crazy enough to battle infertility again.  But not only did Clomid give me terrible mood swings and lots of physical pain around the time of ovulation, I developed huge cysts.  I was really, really hoping to avoid more Clomid.  Ugh, why do these doctors and nurses need to give me false hope?

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Theodore – Month 3

3months

I can’t believe our little man is 3 months already!  We’ve been very lucky as of late, that he has been a good sleeper.  In the last two weeks he has only woken up once in the middle of the night wanting a bottle.  I keep hearing about this 4 month sleep regression that should be coming up which has me a bit nervous.  I was reading some tips on how to deal with the sleep regression today and I was really happy that we already do a lot of them like a bedtime routine, feeding him a full bottle before bed, and putting him to bed in his own room while he is still awake.  I’m sure they’ll be a lot of things I’ll end up doing differently than my mom did but she did have some pretty good sleep advice. Continue reading

Microblog Monday #1

The days leading up to my induction were kind of crazy plus it’s not easy getting through the day when you’re hugely pregnant.  So I relied on my husband to do some things for me like creating a playlist for my iPhone so I had some good music to listen to while I was in labor.  Of course he could have just put any of my half a dozen playlists on but he made one of this own and this is what he chose:

 

  1. Bruce Springsteen – Born in the U.S.A.
  2. Salt-n-Pepa – Push It
  3. Steppenwolf – Born to be Wild
  4. Beatles – Help!
  5. John Mellencamp – Hurts So Good
  6. Ramones – I Wanna Be Sedated
  7. Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
  8. Matchbox 20 – Push
  9. Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’Mine
  10. Ice Cube – You Can Do It

 

Unfortunately it was decided that I needed a c-section before I even got to use the playlist.  Too bad too I bet the labor & deliver nurses would have gotten a laugh.

My Little Cone Head

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January 19, 2016 was the day I hoped for and dreamed of for the last several years…only it wasn’t.

On the 19th I woke up at 4:30am too excited and nervous to sleep any longer.  My induction was scheduled to begin at 7am.  My husband was not surprisingly already up and buzzing around doing last minute things like writing instructions for my mom on how much and how often to feed each of our pets.  I got up and got dressed and we settled on the couch to watch some Nurse Jackie before heading to the hospital.  Despite getting up super early we ended up being 30 minutes late to the hospital which had me flustered because I hate being late. Continue reading

Theodore Forever…

This is my last week of maternity leave.  I don’t think it’s really set in that I’m going to have to go back to work full-time a week from today and that someone else is going to be with my baby all day long.  I know it’s going to be hard.  I’m in charge of dropping him off at daycare each morning so I’m sure there will tears…

I’ve been searching for ways to make it possible for me to stay home with him and at this point in our lives it’s just not going to happen.  On top of our mortgage, car payments, and student loan repayments, we also have a lot of medical bills from my second surgery to remove the infected tissue around my c-section incision.

Today I decided I’d like to get a tattoo in Theodore’s honor so I can feel like he’s with me always.  I’ve given it a lot of thought of what I’d like to do and where I’d like to place it.  I have a celtic butterfly tattoo above my left ankle and I was thinking that I would add a celtic knot that symbolizes the mother/child relationship above it and add his name underneath the knot in complementary font.  I’ll probably have to wait until my wound is fully healed to get tattooed since I’m already at a higher risk of developing another infection and the last thing I need to do is test my luck.

It should look something like this (but in color):

 

tattoo

Theodore1

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This Time Last Year…

A couple weekends ago we went to a party to celebrate the 1st birthday of my first and only nephew.  When he was born last year I was in a very bad place. We had lost our first pregnancy, a baby that would have been due 10 days before my nephew’s due date.  I was sad, upset, angry, and probably mostly disappointed that even though I’m the oldest child and got married and tried to start a family first, my brother beat me to it.  Not only that, but at that point, I really had no idea if we were ever going to have a baby.

I recently came across this blog post that I wrote last year but in the midst of my grieving, never published.  Here were my thoughts following meeting my nephew for the first time:

At approximately 1:00 AM on Friday the 13th my nephew was born.  This is the first time I am becoming an aunt and I was apprehensive about going to see my younger brother’s first child.  I’ll be honest, I went mostly because it was expected of me and because I would never want to do anything to ruin one of the most important days in my brother’s life.

But I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt to watch my sister in law’s belly grow big while we struggle to start our family.  It was frustrating that it only took them two months and it took us eight.  It was heartbreaking that our first pregnancy ended abruptly only one week before they announced their healthy baby on the way.

It’s so hard not to let personal tragedies color your experiences.  But I honestly don’t know how to describe the calmness that came over me when holding my perfect, adorable, healthy baby nephew.  Gazing at that tiny face…  I expected to feel sadness or longing but instead I felt happy, proud even.  At that point in time the perfectness of that tiny little human was all I could ask for.

I’m pretty excited to get going actively trying to conceive again for the first time in six months but I’ve reconsidered how badly I need to have a child of my own.  For the better part of the last few years I’ve wanting nothing more than motherhood.  I still want that tiny creature that has much husband’s gorgeous blue eyes but if he or she never comes along I think it is something I will be able to deal with.

About a year and half ago, before we were even trying to get pregnant, my husband and I discussed how far we would be willing to go with fertility treatments.  At that time, when I still thought it would be easy to get pregnant, I was so certain that I would not ever go so far as IVF or any injectable treatments.  Not that I judge anyone else that would choose those things I just didn’t think a baby could out weigh the possible adverse health effects.

I never really finished my thought there…I feel like I was going to express my concern over the long-term health consequences associated with the use of Clomid which was responsible for both of my BFPs (which resulted in three little fertilized eggies but only one live birth).

As it turns out I was right to be concerned about Clomid, I develop massive cysts on my ovaries with Clomid, which resulted in one ovary being removed.  But my kiddo is worth it.  Worth all the pain from surgery.  Worth all the mood swings and fights.  Worth all the uncertainty in our life we dealt with during our battle with infertility. And he would have been worth the debt, had we needed to continue with other treatments.