infertility, Theodore

Gone but not Forgotten

Our first baby that we lost was due in early March 2015.  It’s a little crazy to think if circumstances would have worked out differently we would be the parents of a 1 year old right now.

At the time it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I couldn’t fathom wanting a baby so badly, trying for so long, and then losing it.  It took me forever to fully wrap my head around that and grieve properly.  I felt guilty for being so sad about losing a pregnancy so early.  It’s terrible that society tries to make women feel that an early pregnancy loss is so common it’s “not a big deal.”  Maybe for some women it isn’t and they have no issues getting “over” it and trying again.  It took me about 6 months to really feel like I was in a good enough place to try again.

I’m not an overly religious person but now that I have my Theodore I kind of feel like this was the exact baby I was meant to have.  It’s a hard pill to swallow saying that my other babies weren’t “meant to be” or were meant to somehow “prepare” me for the child I have now but I kind of feel like it’s true…Or maybe that’s just me needing to believe they were given to me and taken away too soon for a reason.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone.  It’s been hard on me, on my husband, on our marriage.  But I definitely believe that I appreciate this baby more than I would have had it been easy.  So in some very, very small way I can appreciate the experience I had trying to bring this little guy into this world.  He’ll never feel like he was a mistake, that he wasn’t wanted because he was wanted desperately, at times he was all I could think of, and I’m beyond grateful that I get to be his mama.



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