Someone Take Away My Credit Card

2month

Teddy- Month 2 Update Wearing one of only five outfits we purchased ourselves in size 0-3.

When I found out I was pregnant I imaged dressing my baby up in cute little dresses with matching headbands.  I hoped for a girl simply because baby boys clothes are pretty much awful.  What is with everything having either a zoo animal (usually a monkey) or a fire truck?

It only took a couple of days before reality hit and I realized there is a lot more to babies than cute clothes.  Really as long as my baby was healthy that was all that mattered.

We decided not to find out the sex of our baby ahead of time and I’m really glad we didn’t.  I had the most incredible reaction when I heard my husband say that our little baby was a boy.  Honestly I can’t imagine having a girl now.  I love my baby boy with my whole heart and I’m pretty excited to find some clothes that are too babyish for him.

Now someone take my credit card before my husband cuts it up!

On the way…

product_-_boy_-_It_s_Mr_Steal_1024x1024

Mr. Steal Your Girl Onesie from Cozy Bee

hmprod.jpeg

Sweater from H & M

raccon

2 Piece- Raccoon outfit from My Baby World

triangle

Circo Triangle Pant from Target- OK these hubs will be excited about, they are similar to pants I’ve found and loved on Etsy that were a bit out of our price range and these are only $4.50!

 

 

Week 9: Complete Exhaustion

For the last several years all I could think about was becoming a mom.  I made all these plans for what my child will and won’t be like, how we will parent, etc.  But now that baby is here I’m finding it very difficult to live up to my own high expectations.  I was against pacifiers.  I swore my baby wouldn’t swing to sleep.  I would never, ever drive my baby around to get him to fall asleep, etc.

My sleepy baby that used to only cry when he was hungry has been crying [what feels like] all the time.  Despite the fact that I was unable to breastfeed no one seems to have told that to Theodore and the cluster feeding is becoming difficult now that my husband is back at work.  When there were two of us it was annoying but manageable when he wanted to drink an ounce or so an hour instead of 4 or 5 ounces every few hours.

At this point I’m for any short cut I can find to reduce the crying.  So yeah, he spends too much time in his swing.  At least we’re getting use out of all this expensive baby gear!  I don’t do enough tummy time because he spits up so much that he usually throws up all over his face, which if that doesn’t incite crying I don’t know what would.  I expected to spend every free moment of my maternity leave cuddling my little one but the last week or so he’s preferred the swing to my arms.  On one hand that makes me want to cry, but there is this whole other part of me that just wants to grab the nearest blanket, curl up, and grab 15 minutes of sleep when I can get it.  I’ve been so tired the last few days I haven’t even done his two month photos yet.

I feel like such a failure.

Families Come in All Sizes

A few weeks ago my husband and I were just snuggling into bed when he said the words I can imagine any woman with infertility issues fears.  He looked at our son and said “I love this little guy so much.  I feel like we’re a family now.”  A sweet sentiment, no doubt, but my stomach dropped to my feet.

Maybe it wasn’t his exact words so much as what he implied…that we weren’t a family before we had a child.  He’s made other comments in the past couple of months that made me think if we hadn’t gotten our rainbow baby I wouldn’t have been enough for him.

I always feared that I would never get pregnant and that we would never become parents. I worried that he’d be better off finding a woman that could give him the children he wanted and that he’d wake up one day and realize this.  For a minute his words seemed like a confirmation of what I’d been afraid of the last 2 years.

I sat there quietly for a minute while I gathered my thoughts and all I could think to say was “I’ve always considered us a family.”  Of course within about 3 seconds he agreed with me and backpedaled a bit because he could tell I was hurt.  I understand what he means, that our son has enriched our lives so much and brought us closer as a couple and thus as a family, but there is this part of me that just sees red when someone either implies or directly states you’re not a family without a child.

Families come in all sizes.  I love my son with all my heart and now that he’s here it’s hard for me to imagine going through my life without being a mom but I definitely don’t feel like he made us a family.  The vows we made to each other on December 12, 2012 made us a family.  Without those we just be people with a kid.

The Man Behind It All

16A-Moser08[lowres]

My husband has a lot of virtues- he’s kind, he’s fairly patient, he’s a better friend to pretty much everyone than they are to him, and he’s shaping up to be a pretty good dad.  But man does he get stir crazy!

I like to spend my time off of work relaxing.  I’ll watch some TV, read a book, snuggle my dogs, and most recently just hold and talk to my baby while we hang out on the couch.  Adam is my total opposite.  On the weekend he wants to have plans, we need to go somewhere or do something or he just about goes crazy or drives me crazy telling me repeatedly how bored he is.  So I was a little concerned over how he’d handle his time off after the baby was born.

We both get a fair amount of vacation from our jobs (slightly more than 4 weeks a year) and we only took 2 days off during my entire pregnancy, one due to doctor’s appointments and another around the Thanksgiving holiday.  So we each had close to 4 weeks of vacation to use after the baby was born.  I knew before I was even pregnant that I would take the full 12 weeks of FMLA I was allowed because 1) with Adam’s salary and what we’ve saved for the baby/our family we could afford for me to take 3 months off and 2) we’ve worked so hard for this baby I definitely wanted to drink in all the baby time I could get.  The amount of time Adam was going to take off was up in the air however.

I was really hoping he’d take the 4 weeks off so that he could bond with the baby (and so I wouldn’t have to care for him all by myself 90% of the day).  But I decided rather than push him to make the decision I want (which granted, happens often) it really needed to be his decision since he doesn’t enjoy “down” time as much as I do.  The plan was I was to be induced on a Tuesday so he decided to take 9 days off but my blood pressure started to rise later in pregnancy and there was some concern about me developing preeclampsia so my doctors wanted me to be induced a week earlier (38 weeks) then we originally thought, so he decided to take an extra week off to be with us.

And then life got interesting…I’ll share the full story later but between the baby’s NICU stay, a second surgery for me, and very large blood clot that developed in Adam’s leg during this time he ended up taking off 8 weeks.  He’ll go back to work on Monday and while I’ve had MUCH more time with him than I ever thought we would I’m still a little sad to be finishing out this leave myself.  It’s been so nice having his companionship this last 8 weeks.

I expected with spending this much solid time together we might be at each other’s throats but it has actually been really nice.  We’ve had a couple moments that we could have been more patient with one another than we were but we’re operating on a minimum amount of sleep so that is to be expected I guess.

Overall, this experience has brought us so much closer than we were before, which I always thought was really close compared to most couples I know.  We’ve had to come together and each be strong for the other person when needed during these very trying couple of months.  No doubt we were a family long before little Theodore came along but the past weeks weeks have solidified the concept that we are a TEAM, we’re going through this life TOGETHER, no matter how many obstacles the universe decides to throw at us.

 

 

Life Postpartum

pexels-photo-29498

 

Today was my postpartum OB/GYN visit.  At nearly 8 weeks post baby I figured better late than never but seriously ALL I’ve done since having Theodore is doctor and nurse visits to monitor the wound from my formerly infected c-section incision.

To be honest the visit today didn’t really go the way I envisioned…

The OB/GYN that has been monitoring my wound briefly talked to me about birth control as she recommended waiting a year, or 6 months at the least, between pregnancies.  At first I kind of blew it off because I have anovulatory cycles, meaning lucky me gets my period every month but I don’t ovulate.  No egg = no baby.  But apparently for at least some women their fertility is increased for a period of time having a baby.

I was hoping to talk to the maternal-fetal specialist about how to wait awhile between pregnancies but still capitalize on possible increased fertility.  Basically she told me to get that out of head and to put at least 2 years between pregnancies since I’m still “not that old.”  I had to point out that at the age of 31 I’m also not “that young.”

If we were one of those lucky couples that had no issues getting pregnant I’d probably heed her advice but if it takes us another 17 cycles to have a successful pregnancy after waiting 2 years I’m adding advanced maternal age to the list of reasons my pregnancy might be considered high risk.  I really appreciated the other doctor’s perspective since she works mostly with healthy pregnancies and knows how it works for “most” women while the maternal-fetal specialist only works with high-risk pregnancies and is used to seeing the worst-case scenario which fortunately my pregnancy was no where close to.

I was also told I’m not a good candidate for hormonal birth control due to being overweight and having some pregnancy/post pregnancy high blood pressure issues. So ideally she’d like me to wait two years but my only birth control options are condoms (not fun for anyone), a diaphragm (gross), and an IUD (which I’ve had before and don’t want again).  So we’ll probably stick with our original plan of monitoring my cycles for the next few months and starting after 6 months.  So it’s back to the wonderful world of fertility apps, OPKs, monitoring cervical fluid, etc.

Gone but not Forgotten

Our first baby that we lost was due in early March 2015.  It’s a little crazy to think if circumstances would have worked out differently we would be the parents of a 1 year old right now.

At the time it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.  I couldn’t fathom wanting a baby so badly, trying for so long, and then losing it.  It took me forever to fully wrap my head around that and grieve properly.  I felt guilty for being so sad about losing a pregnancy so early.  It’s terrible that society tries to make women feel that an early pregnancy loss is so common it’s “not a big deal.”  Maybe for some women it isn’t and they have no issues getting “over” it and trying again.  It took me about 6 months to really feel like I was in a good enough place to try again.

I’m not an overly religious person but now that I have my Theodore I kind of feel like this was the exact baby I was meant to have.  It’s a hard pill to swallow saying that my other babies weren’t “meant to be” or were meant to somehow “prepare” me for the child I have now but I kind of feel like it’s true…Or maybe that’s just me needing to believe they were given to me and taken away too soon for a reason.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone.  It’s been hard on me, on my husband, on our marriage.  But I definitely believe that I appreciate this baby more than I would have had it been easy.  So in some very, very small way I can appreciate the experience I had trying to bring this little guy into this world.  He’ll never feel like he was a mistake, that he wasn’t wanted because he was wanted desperately, at times he was all I could think of, and I’m beyond grateful that I get to be his mama.

 

6 weeks old

IMG_0417I’m in utter disbelief that my sweet baby boy, Theodore, was 6 weeks old yesterday.  Thinking back on our journey to become parents it’s crazy that almost a year ago now, I had pretty much completely lost hope.  I really thought I might never become a mother, let alone have my own biological child.

This little boy completely melts my heart.  Last night he slept 7.5 hours, when I woke up on my own after 7 hours my first thought was parenting win, some solid sleep finally!   My second thought was I haven’t laid eyes on that sweet face in more than 7 hours and I miss him!  I’m so glad I get to have the next 5 weeks off of work to just love him and enjoy him.

I wish every parent could be in a position financially to really take a good chunk of time off when their baby is born and bond with them and just watch them grow.  We are far from rich but partially because we’re good savers when we need to be and partially because it took so long for me to get pregnant I was able to take the full 12 weeks off that I am allowed.  If US laws were better I would have loved to have taken off 6 months.