No One Knows What The Future Holds

Today is CD15 of my second round of Clomid.  I really thought last month was going to be THE month and when it wasn’t I was really crushed.  AF arrived when I was at work and it was all I could do to make it through the day without crying.  I was home all of about 5 seconds before I burst into tears.

It’s been really hard this month to be hopeful and I’ve been busy trying to make contingency plans.  If the Clomid is unsuccessful in the next 8 weeks or so then we are going to have to make some really tough decisions.

I’m feeling very torn between going to the next step in infertility treatments and meeting with a fertility specialist or committing to going the adoption route.  Unfortunately, once we make that decision we are pretty much committed to it as we don’t have the funds for either of them and definitely will not be able to afford them both if one does not work out.

I was never 100% committed to the idea of needing a biological child and feel like I would be very happy with an adopted child but the process is very time consuming and extremely expensive.  I worry that we’ll invest all our money in a birth mom that decides to keep her child and then that is it.  Out of money, no baby.

I think our first step after Clomid is going to be meeting with the fertility specialist and getting their take on what the next step in infertility treatment would be.  Once we know what the doctor would recommend and the costs involved (unfortunately not covered by insurance) we can make a more educated decision.

I’ve also made arrangements to learn more about fostering.  Adoption from foster care might be an option for us since the costs are much lower, and in some cases free!  However, foster care’s primary goal is to reunite all children they can with their biological parents so it can take years before the courts decide to end parental rights and make the children available for adoption.  I’m not convinced I have the constitution to raise a child that I might not be able to keep.  I don’t think I can handle any more heartbreak.

I’d love to hear from anyone who moved on from Clomid and what they did next.


Painful Progress

Why does progress have to be so painful?

Today is CD 24 of my first of three cycles of Clomid.   Some women’s cycles get thrown completely off with Clomid and I am one of those lucky women (yeah right).

Yesterday was the last day of my vacation and I woke up in my hotel room in a very sketchy area of Louisville, KY and stumbled to the bathroom to pee on what feels like my millionth OPK stick.  I am fully expecting it to be negative and almost talk myself out of even doing it since CD 23 seemed way too late.

Much to my surprised after threeish minutes I was staring down at my very first smily face.  Even the month I did get pregnant last year I never had a positive OPK.  After my first two appointments with my new ob/gyn I was pretty unimpressed with him but I might have to reconsider my position after this.  The doctor told me a personal story about how his wife ovulates late, around day 22, so I tried to keep that in mind daily when I kept getting empty circles on my tests.

Today I woke up at 3 AM to terrible pain in my pelvic region and I knew it was ovulation time.  It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around when the thing you’ve been looking forward to for what seems like forever causes you indescribable pain.  The first time I took Clomid I was so thrown off by the pain I called a nurse hotline because I thought maybe I had ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome.

It’s times like these I wish my doctor was doing something to monitor my Clomid cycles.  Although the cost factor on a monitored cycle would greatly reduce the number of cycles I would be able to afford to do.  But I wonder how many follicles were developed and how many eggs were released.  Maybe there were several and that is why my ovaries are having such a hard time?

Regardless we should know the success of this round in the next two weeks, maybe even less.  It will a hard TWW but such is life.