On the bright side…

Throughout this journey with infertility I’ve found it’s incredibly easy to get trapped in your own little pity party.  Let’s be honest, anyone struggling with infertility has been dealt a crap hand in life.  When I was a little girl I wasn’t sitting around thinking “Ooo someday I’ll meet my Prince Charming and we’ll get married on a beach and then we’ll spend the next several years doing anything and everything we can to have a baby including invasive tests, fertility medications that make me sick (and cranky) and spend thousands of dollars doing it!”

Sometimes I really have to reel it in and remind myself of the good things going on in my life.  I have a supportive husband that I love more than anything, two adorable fur-kids, and a job that I enjoy.  I have a nice home, albeit we are rapidly outgrowing it, and a great family.  I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Today I was thinking about how our life would be if we would have conceived right away.  While I would love to be cuddling my baby right now instead of writing this, I can look back and say, last year was the toughest year I’ve ever had by far.  But my husband and I are closer because of it.  I feel like our marriage has been tested and has come out stronger because of it.

I feel more secure in our relationship now than I did 6 months or a year ago.  My husband could have taken the easy road and dipped out when we found out I had fertility issues.  Found someone else that could easily give him the family he wanted and always assumed he would have.  Instead he stood my side.  We are a team, a family, and this is something we are going to go through together.

We are also in a much better position financially than we were a year and half ago when we started preparing for a baby.  I worked hard all last year to exceed my goals at work and get a higher raise and my husband was also recently promoted in his job.

Last week we officially paid off our last credit card which I am beyond excited about!  It took us over two years of chipping away at the debt (and a good portion of our tax return both years) but we got it paid off and have a plan for keeping it paid off.  We are also a year closer to having our vehicles paid off, man it will be nice when those suckers are done!

It was also my goal to save enough money for the baby’s first year which I am happy to say we finally managed to do.  We’ll probably have to dip into this money at least a little for fertility treatments if our next couple rounds of Clomid are unsuccessful but I am very proud of what we have been able to accomplish together in the last year.

So for the time-being I am going to try to be happy and thankful for the things that I DO have and try to have faith that in the end things will work out the way they are suppose to.

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Babyshowers, Babyshowers Galore

Last August, while I was off of work recovering from an ectoptic pregnancy and an ovarian cyst removal, my younger brother called me.  Being that my brother literally never calls me, I answered the phone even though talking to people was the last thing I wanted to do.  He was calling to let me know that he and his wife of less than 3 months were expecting…and their baby was due 10 days after my would-have-been due date.

I cried a lot when when I found out.  Not because I was happy for them or because I wasn’t.  I just couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing it would have been to have someone to go through the pregnancy with and to have a cousin for my child be so close in age.  I thought maybe we’ll both would have had girls or boys and they might have grown up to be best friends.

I also thought about how unfair it was that I had been trying for what felt like forever and it only took them two months.  But life isn’t fair and after all this time that our parents tried to pound it into our heads it was finally sinking in.

Their happiness just reminded me of my sadness.  For that reason I avoided my sister-in-law for the vast majority of her pregnancy.  I’m sure it would have meant a lot to my brother for me to have had a more enthusiastic response to their news but I really just couldn’t muster more than a congratulations or two.  I hated that.  I hated that my loss and tough times were turning me into a bitter person but I couldn’t find my way out of that line of thinking.

So for the past five months since I found out they were expecting I’ve been dreading the baby showers.  It’s so hard to help other people celebrate their pregnancy when you’re not sure you’ll ever get to do it yourself.  I tried to find excuses to not attend the baby showers, of which I was invited to two of them.  I was terrified that I might not make it through the shower without tears.

Ultimately, I knew that I really just needed to suck it up for a few hours and be there to support my family.  I must say it really wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be, in fact, I might have even had some fun.  While I haven’t come to terms with the idea that I won’t be a mother anytime soon, I’m starting to get excited that I will be an aunt.  I will still have the opportunity to spoil a baby, perhaps many in my lifetime.  I cannot let infertility make me into a person I don’t want to be.  It won’t be easy but yesterday proved that I am capable of pulling myself out of the anger and sadness if I put my mind to it and my sanity depends on being able to pull myself out of it.

I feel like I’m not the friend I used to be, the wife I used to be.  More than wanting a baby, I want to be the relatively happy person i was before we tried to bring a baby into this world.