When Is Enough, Enough?

I’ve been unforgivably neglectful of my dear ole blog.  The fact of the matter is I just really haven’t had that much going on in terms of trying to conceive until recently.  After my ectopic pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage in July we didn’t have much of a choice but to put our plans on hold for awhile.  My OB/GYN strongly recommended waiting at least 3 months before trying again.  He also really wanted us to meet with a reproductive endocrinologist before we start another round of Clomid.

I hadn’t had the most wonderful experience with this gynecologist so I questioned whether to trust his judgement but ultimately because of his recommendation and my research we decided it would be best to wait a few months.  In October we tried one more cycle of Clomid which was unsuccessful.  Being that we were so close to the end of the year and my husband’s employer does give us several insurance options we decided to wait until January 2015 and meet with a different OB/GYN.

So January 5th rolls around, the day I am to meet the new gynecologist, and I am excited, nervous, possibly even happy to get the show on the road again.  All of this lasts approximately 6 seconds when I reach the reception area and they still don’t have our insurance policy on their system yet.  I consider just going home because as lovely as gynecological appointments are, I’m not so interested in paying $300+ out of pocket.  However, it took 6 weeks to get in for this appointment so I forged on.

Of course, it got worse when I met with the gyno who was not as keen as the last one to give me the prescription.  He recommended obtaining a new primary care physician and working to further lower my blood sugar before trying to conceive.  Not the worst advice I’ve gotten but it was not the news I wanted and I tried hard to hold back the tears, which I was ultimately unsuccessful in doing.

At this point we’re really starting to reconsider if all this pain, heart-break and terrible waiting is worth it.  We wanted a family but we never expected it to be this difficult.  When we think about it on a practical sense, how much expense are we willing to put into this?  This journey has been tough on both our pocketbook and my body.  There is no question that if we decided to stop trying to conceive we would have more funds for other things that are important to us, like paying off our debts, and we both deeply worry about the long term effects of infertility medications.

But as I am coming up on my 30th birthday in a month I just can’t seem to be able to say with confidence that I am okay with never being a mother.  I know my husband is frustrated because it feels like were putting our life on hold, and I am too, but I’m just not ready to give up yet.

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5 thoughts on “When Is Enough, Enough?

  1. loveh3 says:

    I am sorry about your miscarriage and the doubt you are currently facing. I know exactly how you feel! I will be praying for you : )

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