There are so many things in my life to be thankful for…a loving husband, two wonderful, silly dogs, parents, grandparents, siblings, a nice home, even pretty great in-laws. Still my life seems lacking. Try as I might, I just can’t seem to get over the need to have a child.
Since I can’t fill my womb, I’ve switched focuses and started filling my house. I have never been a big shopper but that is all I feel I have been doing lately. While I normally loathe the mall and avoid it at all costs, I’ve found myself there several times a week for the last few weeks, To put things in perspective, I live about 5 minutes from the mall but prior to this month I hadn’t been there since January.
My sudden interest in clothing and makeup are making my husband a bit concerned. Last month I signed up for a Ipsy subscription and even though I had myself 100% convinced I had no interest in Birchbox I signed up for that this month as well. It’s half price for June! I bought 3 dresses and a new blazer two days ago…oh and like 4 shirts for him. In fairness, at least some of these items are things we needed but if I really examined my motivations it would seem that I am trying to fill a void.
Clearly possessions are not going to make me happy, or at least won’t keep me happy. The logical part of me knows that no amount of possessions can fill the void but when it comes to having a family logic sometimes goes out the door. Fertility is a matter of the heart.
Being only 28 when this conception journey started, I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around the situation. Statistically, conceiving in your late 20’s there is about a 20% chance of getting pregnant every month. For all intensive purposes I should have been pregnant months ago. But alas, it does not seem this is going to be an easy journey for us.
When I put my thoughts on paper, or whatever the modern day equivalent is…have you heard they are no longer teaching kids cursive in school? Literally, children go straight from printing to typing…
I digress. What I meant to say is I can see how crazy it is to think Coach bags, cute shoes and subscription boxes can make up for the lack of baby cuddles, and smiles, and hell, even dirty diapers. But at least knowing that I’ll have packages to open on my doorstep when I get home gives me something to look forward to.